....
People always point out my flaws, I'm pretty sure I saw them before you. Like my big ass head that is shaped like a square, I have no eyebrows pretty much, I have the highest voice and the most annoyingest, I dont have a nice body or face. However, no one had the guts to tell me I'm fat yet until now. I know I am, I'm not stupid people I do own a mirror. I was sad but happy at the same time. I seriously needed to hear that, yeah it did hurt but I wanted someone to have the guts to tell me. Yeah, it's going to hurt but it will prob help me too. I would be more dedicated to working it off if everyone would just tell me I'm fat. Just like how everyone points out my big head and annoying voice. Everyone just lies to me.. you look fine, your not fat. I'm sorry have you seen me or are you all blind? I have a double chin for heaven sakes. But noo everyone is like are you smokin on crack... uhh no I have mirrors I can see it. UGHH... I just wish I was skinnyy.. hopefully I won't be so lazy and work my ass off because I dont want to become a obesse lady that would suckk.
Suprising but I hate my birthday...
Well, my sweet 16 is coming up soon! I wasn't going to do anything this year just like every year but all my friends were like do it do it do it. Therefore, I guess I'm doing something. The reason I hate my birthday, one reason is that my birthday is surrounded by EVERYONE. That's why I dont have birthday parties because I hate making people choose which one to go to, and when you figure out which one they will go to it does hurt. For example I'm having a party for my birthday at mine or my friends house but than I just figured out another girl is having a party on the same day with a PARTY BUS. Right away I knew everyone would go there for sure. Now, Carmela wants me to have it on saturday and get a party bus to top it. However, I know 100% that my parents will not get my a party bus even tho I really want one. The 2nd reason I hate my birthday, is because when you have birthday parties and you look back who was there to celebrate it with you, most of those people aren't even your friends anymore. That's why i haven't had a birthday party since grade 6. If i had a party every year they would be different people every year except two people carmela and tanya. However, everyone would be different garrentedd. I want my birthday to be celebrated by people that I will be firends with for a long time and look back with them. Hopefully the people that I invited to my sweet 16 will be my friends for a long time. I would hate to look back and see that I dont even talk to any of them anymore. The 3rd reason I hate birthdays they remind me how much I'm growing, I'm becoming more older I need to think about what I'm going to do with my life. It seems like just yesterday I was just playing in the playground thinking boys are gross. Now I have to think what am I going to do with my life, how am I going to face reality. I just realized school was my saftey zone, didn't need to worry about a job, and the future. I know I'm still in grade 11 but time goes by fast, soon I'll be graduating in a blink of an eye and I don't even know if I can even make it to college. What will I do with my life, I don't even know what I want to do in my life. I guess I was never a big fan of birthdays, except the present part lol. Hopefully, I will remember my sweet 16 tho, because this will be very important to me. It might not be such a big deal to people but this is the first birthday party since grade 6 and it is a big deal to me. Hopefully it goes well... =]
alone
Have you ever felt so alone, no matter how many people are around you. It could be a dozen and you would still feel so alone, like your lost. I just feel so alone deep inside. I never felt so alone, and usless, and a piece of crap that is hanging around in the world. Have you ever felt so worthless, like your just something that doesn't matter in the world. Have you ever felt like you actually had someone that
cared, like you felt that emotion but than you realize you were just thinking wrong.
I don't even know how to explain how i feel right now. I just feel like crap that is kicked to the side. Who really needs a Priscilla in there life, a annoying, hyper, contsint girl that won't shut up. With a freaking high pitch voice to add on to that. Maybe from now on i should be quiet emo Priscilla. I can't change the high pitch voice sorry. I guess I'm just having those days I feel like crap. Atleast I'm getting out of Calgary... even though i don't want to. I rather stay here and party all weekend. Or bury a hole and hide in it..... Is there anyone out there...?
mhmmmm
Today, for the longest time I finally talked to a friend I haven't talked to for a long time. The last time I talked to him he was really happy, charming, funny and very amazing he made my day. However, after that last time I talked to him he became someone I didnt know, sad and just really depressed. Always high everytime I saw him, I was getting very worried never saw him smile ever. However, I was always so scared to talk to him because he looked so, I dont know how to explain it but different. However, today he came up to me and we started talkin again. He was the same guy that I first met, yeah he still smokess alot and gets high and it's horrible. But just because he does those things doesn't mean I'm not going to be his friend anymore. I was just very overwhelmed and happy when I saw him smile today. Telling me his very good and everything. It makes me smile, I know he had a rough year but to see him overcome it makes me happy.
This leads to when my parents, and family memebers tells me to hang out with the "smart people", the "good people", you know what I mean. Just because they smoke, get high, drink, and all that crap doesnt mean they are bad people. Yeah they have bad habits, and yet I know they think I would start too. However, I'm smart enough not to smoke crap. Seriously, it's not just their image it's their personalites. Maybe it's just me but EVERY smart smart person I ever met always bugs me because they make me feel not good enough, they always say they are failing but they have a 90, like reallyy? Get a lifee I rather trade that 90 for my 50 okay so shut up. It's like they are rubbing it in my face you know. I dont know but my point is just because someone doesnt seem in the "apporiate" group doesnt mean they arent good people inside. I really don't care what you do we just have to click =].
Okay, now this is not involved with anything above but I have lots of things I want to say lol. I dont know when, but I developed a liking of expressing myself on blogs haha. Anyways, have you ever felt so alone and no one likes you, than someone comes by and gives you 100% attention. I don't know if it's the feeling of being wanted or the feeling that there is a guy to "flirt" with, girls you know what I'm talking about. I don't know if it's liking or the feeling of being important and being wanted. It feels so good tho, I noticed what teens wants the most is attention. It's true I swear. I prob never admit this but of course I love attention who doesn't? The feeling of being wanted and everyone paying attention to you. Have you ever had a fight with your parents for no reason? You just want to yell and be angry, I dont know really but I'm starting to think I do that for attention. Well I don't do that anymore because I really don't care if my parents are home anymore. However, I know before I hated how they were never home, they never had time to go to my shows, when I was little I was basically with my grandma and they would pick me up at 12 and I would be sleeiping. How I go to Carmela's house and her mom is always there bringing us out of town. My parents barely had time for that when I was little. I remember when I was little there would be family bbqs and my parents were never there... I guess that's why I use to love running away, fighting, yelling it made me feel like they cared. haha but the funny part is now that I'm so use to it I dont even want them home anymore. I'm so use to being in the house alone it's quite funny. I guess because we lacked that family connection when I was little it doesnt really matter anymore to me. Now they are always in my face caring and it's actually making me so fustrated. hahaha I find that quite funny, before I craved their attention but now I'm so use to them just caring about working I really don't like it anymore because that connection was lost long time ago. Doesn't mean I don't love them anymore, it's jus that we are missing that connection they screwed up when I was little. Anyways, the point is I guess the feeling of being wanted is quite important. Maybe that's the reason I'm starting to fall for this guy that made me feel special. Hoever, he does live far hahaha. Anyways I realize I talk about the randomist thing that doesnt make sence. I guess I just type whatever is in my head. It doesn't even matter cuz this is for me to realese stress. =]
