Life just gets more confusing...
There's just so much going on in life, sometimes I wish I had a remote control that could pause, rewind, fastforward my life. It would be so much easier if you could pause life, so you can just have quiet time and think before you act. It would be so much easier if you could rewind and fix your mistakes in the past. It would be so much easier if you could fastforward your life to skip rough patches, and embarrsing moments. All of it would be so much easier... but this is reality that's not how life works.
Life has been more stressful these days balancing social/friends, school, & love life. It's just so difficult, it's not impossible but deffs hard as poop... The pressure of graduating, the pressure of making it into post secondary, craming my schedual so I won't need to take more than half a year to upgrade. However, what really scares me is wondering if I'll be walking down that stage with my fellow classmates... that really gives me nightmares. Another thing is keeping my social/friends & love life balanced, okay.. in secret... ? It's just that my friends can't accept the guy I like. I understand why, first off my ex.. =/, 2nd off hooked up with one of my exfriends, 3rd off broke my heart. However, we're just friends at the moment and they well just 2 of them well mostly one... won't understnad and sometimes I just got to hide the fact me and him are hanging out... That guilt kicks in, but when I tell I get these cruel jokes.. So what can I do.. ? I have no idea, it's really stressing me out, and this guy his not just another guy. He makes me feel comfortable I honestly can be myself I can burp and laugh about it, I can eat messy infront of him and I feel completely fine. He makes me feel like me, not like I have to put a mask on. I honestly, even tho we only dated for 4 months back than, and now we're just close friends.. I honestly can see myself with him in the future, and even not at least I can. It's not like I want him to be with me for fun, but I really can see myself with him in the future if that's God's plan. However, that doesn't mean I love him, dont get me wrong. I'm way to young to think about love. It's just really stressful for my friends not to accept a guy that I really do admire as a friend and maybe a future boyfriend after highschool or during graduation if it lasts. =] hopefully my friends can accept him eventually...
byee
I tried, I walked back to our memories
I put my hand out, you rejected
Tried to reach out, but you ignored it.
Knew it was my mistake, I let you go
so I tried, but you rejected.
This time it will be your mistake.
I'm not coming back, tried once, twice
too many times....
Lets be friends I said.
You said okay, but yet you fear me.
All I ever wanted was to be in your
life.
We dont gotta be lovers, I never
intended that. You were my bestfriend
so it was hard to let go.
But it's pretty clear, those hints you
give. Friends is no go for you as well.
Time to say bye, not only to a guy
that you fall in love with.
But a guy that was your
bestfriend.
Bye.
mhmm...
Need to express...
It was all my fault, I let you go. I was angry, I didn't appreciate, fustrated, & pressured by my friends. I made a hasty decesion to let you go. Oh how I reget... We fought, we had our rough times.. but baby we had so many good times as well. I try to rip out those memories, burned the pictures, stash all ur stuff, made you change your password. Which I regret since I did ask you to change it 1000X, and you never did...there was prob a reason why u didnt at first.. cuz your password was my name. I thought I could move on, but man was I wrong. Every second you come into my mind, every place I pass seems to bring memories of you and me. Damn, I know I lost a good one even God knows. You brought the light to my world, even though you were busy, parents strict, different school, and prob didnt see each other as much as other couples do. However, all those seconds, minutes, hrs that were spent with you were the best I ever had all my 16 years. You brought light to my world, and made me smile with that gorgeous smile. I could never get mad at you with that smile, damn I hated that but loved it as well <3. But now what is done is done. I can't go back it's been 2 months now, I tried to put the effort in because, I knew I was the one that made the mistake. However, you didnt seem to put in any at all which didnt seem worth it anymore. For all this hurt, the crying at night, my prayers to have you back into my life. But dont get me wrong, I dont want you back in my life as a dating situation. However, a friendship.. you were my bestfriend and when I lost you I lost my best friend as well. You knew everything about me, stuff no one knew. You were the first person I go to when my eyes are balling. You were the one that took care of me when no one else cared. Man, I lost a good one. I will never forget you, you'll always be in my heart. I hope we will become the way we were before all this mess.. even though it would hurt to see you fall in love with another girl. I'll be strong because, losing all of you is tough enough having half of you is better than nothing. I just wish you knew how I felt... and I wish you would jus tell me you're over me than maybe I could move on quicker. Remember your promise to me, when we broke up... I do, you would tell me when your over me and you wouldnt fall for another girl. Than boy, why havent you told me and let me rest in peace =[. I wish you knew how I felt but boy.. I got way too much pride.. and really what's the point now.. 2 months have gone by we're talking okay.. I dont wanna ruin the only chance I have to being your friend again.. I still love you... wish you knew. Oh and tomm... if we were still dating..... would be our 6th month.. for some reason I have a feelin u have a new girl.. but damn that girl better appreciate you unlike I did. I <3 u...
Confuseddd...
Life is so complicatingg... Sometimess, i wish there was a way i could get out and just breathee besideess doing drugss becausee their horrible for you... I don't know what to do anymore, boys confuse me lol xD. Why are guys so hard to read, they flirt with you like crazzy but they are so shy and than it's like they do like you than don't. It's pissing me off, yeahh they tell the friendss i like her but than they don't talkk first lol. Mayb it's just me but i don't talk to guys firstt that I likeee, lol I think it sounds so desperate always talkin firstt but than they guy doesnt do anything. Even though the whole world knowss that they like u but you. ommggg.. like people won't believe anyone until the actual person say it. but seriously if you want somee onee like boys you have to put effort in. things aren't just going to be handed to you. ughh.. I just need to know beforeee i go too deep of liking and setting myself a trap of pain cuz it happeneddd so many times already i'm sick of it. My guardss are likee so high right now and I can't fall fully for a guy until i know from his own wordss... but even when they do tell you they still hurt u afterr.. woooww.. fml... w/eee life suckss.. more like the heart succkss.. sometimes i wish i didn't have feelings so i would never get hurt. Right now I really need my teddy/bestieee but his asleeepp =[! I'm about to exploddeee w/o him =[! ughh why did you leave me bestiee! eefff!!! now I have to write on this post cuz I have no where to exploddee...=[ i need to teddy/bestiieee!! WAKE UPP PLEASEE LOVESS <3333 =]
Peaceee <3 =]
....
People always point out my flaws, I'm pretty sure I saw them before you. Like my big ass head that is shaped like a square, I have no eyebrows pretty much, I have the highest voice and the most annoyingest, I dont have a nice body or face. However, no one had the guts to tell me I'm fat yet until now. I know I am, I'm not stupid people I do own a mirror. I was sad but happy at the same time. I seriously needed to hear that, yeah it did hurt but I wanted someone to have the guts to tell me. Yeah, it's going to hurt but it will prob help me too. I would be more dedicated to working it off if everyone would just tell me I'm fat. Just like how everyone points out my big head and annoying voice. Everyone just lies to me.. you look fine, your not fat. I'm sorry have you seen me or are you all blind? I have a double chin for heaven sakes. But noo everyone is like are you smokin on crack... uhh no I have mirrors I can see it. UGHH... I just wish I was skinnyy.. hopefully I won't be so lazy and work my ass off because I dont want to become a obesse lady that would suckk.
Suprising but I hate my birthday...
Well, my sweet 16 is coming up soon! I wasn't going to do anything this year just like every year but all my friends were like do it do it do it. Therefore, I guess I'm doing something. The reason I hate my birthday, one reason is that my birthday is surrounded by EVERYONE. That's why I dont have birthday parties because I hate making people choose which one to go to, and when you figure out which one they will go to it does hurt. For example I'm having a party for my birthday at mine or my friends house but than I just figured out another girl is having a party on the same day with a PARTY BUS. Right away I knew everyone would go there for sure. Now, Carmela wants me to have it on saturday and get a party bus to top it. However, I know 100% that my parents will not get my a party bus even tho I really want one. The 2nd reason I hate my birthday, is because when you have birthday parties and you look back who was there to celebrate it with you, most of those people aren't even your friends anymore. That's why i haven't had a birthday party since grade 6. If i had a party every year they would be different people every year except two people carmela and tanya. However, everyone would be different garrentedd. I want my birthday to be celebrated by people that I will be firends with for a long time and look back with them. Hopefully the people that I invited to my sweet 16 will be my friends for a long time. I would hate to look back and see that I dont even talk to any of them anymore. The 3rd reason I hate birthdays they remind me how much I'm growing, I'm becoming more older I need to think about what I'm going to do with my life. It seems like just yesterday I was just playing in the playground thinking boys are gross. Now I have to think what am I going to do with my life, how am I going to face reality. I just realized school was my saftey zone, didn't need to worry about a job, and the future. I know I'm still in grade 11 but time goes by fast, soon I'll be graduating in a blink of an eye and I don't even know if I can even make it to college. What will I do with my life, I don't even know what I want to do in my life. I guess I was never a big fan of birthdays, except the present part lol. Hopefully, I will remember my sweet 16 tho, because this will be very important to me. It might not be such a big deal to people but this is the first birthday party since grade 6 and it is a big deal to me. Hopefully it goes well... =]
alone
Have you ever felt so alone, no matter how many people are around you. It could be a dozen and you would still feel so alone, like your lost. I just feel so alone deep inside. I never felt so alone, and usless, and a piece of crap that is hanging around in the world. Have you ever felt so worthless, like your just something that doesn't matter in the world. Have you ever felt like you actually had someone that
cared, like you felt that emotion but than you realize you were just thinking wrong.
I don't even know how to explain how i feel right now. I just feel like crap that is kicked to the side. Who really needs a Priscilla in there life, a annoying, hyper, contsint girl that won't shut up. With a freaking high pitch voice to add on to that. Maybe from now on i should be quiet emo Priscilla. I can't change the high pitch voice sorry. I guess I'm just having those days I feel like crap. Atleast I'm getting out of Calgary... even though i don't want to. I rather stay here and party all weekend. Or bury a hole and hide in it..... Is there anyone out there...?
